I’d like to tackle today with an aura of mystical enchantment, mindful excitement, eager aggression. Alas, these are all phenomenological and emotional phenomena, they don’t get to the action-level nature of what I’m trying to do.

I did an object level recap yesterday and I’ve realised that I am quite simply not holding up the standard. Of course, I’m under the weather but there’s still a lot more that I could be doing but I’m not. Execution is at a ZERO and I am not trusting any of my plans (too many, too small, too??).

So, it’s hard to contextualise my days as my goals have gotten stale. I’m not a victim though, so let’s overcome this with a commitment to non-thinking, just scary-action.

It has been quite a while, hasn’t it? I’ve got some insane thoughts on my mind, Astounding recollections.

First, who am I writing these reflections for; you ask? Simple. For future me: To review, reflect on, learn from,

  • FUCK IM SUCH A SILLY PASSIVE REACTIVE, HABITUAL, PREOCCUPIED, UNBRAVE, UNFOCUSED, CONFUSED CUNT
  • I’m downstairs of my flat right now. Not going up because I don’t want to third wheel. I don’t get why I can’t be the one in the situation.. so many fuckin girl issues when I’ve got no girls.
  • I get to define my own terms of success – I needn’t have the implicit biases of others around me fucking shit up for me. I honestly don’t know anymore.
  • Are you jelaous? Yes.
  • Amazing that you can really

Lots to address in today’s episode — and I think the main reason for that being the case is because yesterday was a day that was very low on meta-cognition, low in agency, high in ‘routine’, which is part of being human I guess. You can’t always be filled with agency, pro-activity, and energy. That’s life. Nonetheless, I do feel like one can be filled with agency for far longer than you’d initially guess. My efficacy and initiative baseline, for example, could use a lot of work — and I think the metacognition category in TickTick has been helping me…

lol r u fucking kidding me? melatonin has just changed my fuckin life (not to be too optimistic)

What are you waiting for?

Sometimes I wonder whether it truly is ‘turtles all the way down’ when it comes to self-reflection and self-construction. The last set of true insight, where insight = progress, was reading that 10 Days to Self-Discipline work. I also think that combining Camarata and Cannabis has been helpful for internally working on a few things. With that being said, when it comes to self-work, it can sometimes feel like a lot of problems emerge *because* you’re looking for them. …

  • Today got off to, I guess we can say, a slow start? It depends on the frame. I slept last night at like 10pm, was just shattered. My body took that as a nap (lol, should I talk to someone about this? who is actually trying to build their own model of sleep?). I scrolled, had a few thoughts, and then had a pretty interesting call with Dhrumil. It was high bandwidth enough for myself to feel sleepy again. Must have been 5am.
  • I woke up sin-alarm at probably 10:30am, I didn’t look at the clock until right before I…

It’s 9AM. I’m in the office. I have a full day ahead of me. Honestly, I wish this was what I set myself up for everyday and not just once every two weeks. It would make a big difference regarding the results I create, the way I feel, the person I could be. It’s actually quite a shock that this basic feature of life; a stable and early wake-up-and-go-to-work pattern has alluded me in recent times. It makes me feel quite sad. But, I believe in my ability to change, to improve, via intentional action, subconscious preparation, practice, iteration, investment…

Woke up at: around 3pm.

Reason for waking up so late? Got high last night.

Lessons from last night?

One, I am once again re-learning lessons that I thought I had already learnt but in fact had forgotten. It makes me question the extent to which I can ‘profit from knowledge’ in the long-run, whilst also serving as a reminder that ideas, skills, thought patterns really do matter.

Second, I think I became very compelled to start blogging again because I got high last night. It was fun; my friends Mike Z and Mike R came by, they were already…

It is 5:23pm. I am still in bed. I feel powerless and hopeless regarding my wake-sleep schedule. I must have slept at 6am. I woke up at 3pm. I read and slept more and now the entire day has gone and so has my hope. This is so sad. SUCH A WASTE OF LIFE. That’s what this feels like.

Now, the only thing I can do is try and salvage some of this day. Get out of my way. I’m going to do an all nighter to fix this once and for all. I’m going to workout because of the strenuous life challenge. I’m going to study because of school. I’m going to come up with some reward tasks. I’m JOKE. Am I actually going to do any of those things? No clue. I’ll let you know tonight…

satyam’s journal

son of siddhartha

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